A letter to self-harm

Dear Self-harm,

I want you to know that it is over between us. I know I have said this before, but it has taken me every ounce of courage to say it now. You left when I was fourteen and I thought we were through, but then you came crawling back.

You made my family and friends concerned, and forced me to distance myself from them in order to keep you satisfied. They kept telling me how bad you were for me, but you kept tempting me to come back for more. And I did.

You visited me often, even at unspeakable hours, ready to scream and yell about how much I deserved you and how you were the only one to truly care about me. And that, no matter how much I hated you, I couldn’t let you go because I was addicted to the pain you gave me.

You often lied to me, telling me that by listening to you I had control of emotions that I felt I couldn’t handle. You kept telling me that the relief you gave me was worth more than the pain before and afterward. But all you did by lying to me has you led me into a pool of unmanageable guilt, frustration, and self-loathing.

Just in case you’re wondering why I’m writing this letter, let me remind you of our fight. Remember how I hadn’t seen you for a couple of weeks? And then a few days ago, you visited me while I was in bed? You wouldn’t stop yelling at me, no matter how much I yelled back. You only stopped when I did as you told me. Except then you left me all alone. Left me with the tears, the guilt, and the pain of what you had just made me do. You left me all alone, not giving me the usual contentment and short-lived pleasure I felt when I listened to you.

It’s going to be hard not being with you anymore, we’ve been together for two years now. The attachment we had with each other was huge, but it’s time to move on. I don’t want to be your slave anymore. I don’t want to have to look at you when I change my clothes, when I have a shower, in the summer when I go swimming, or when I’m playing a sport. Because you disgust me and it disgusts myself that I’ve put up with you for so long.

I know you won’t miss me because you’ve got plenty of other friends to be with. I just wish you weren’t so popular. I hope one day, they too, have the strength to get rid of you and you’ll be all alone, just like you’ve made me feel for the past two years.

You’re very enticing, but don’t even think about coming back again because this is it. This is the end.

Yours never,

Broken crayons.

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26 thoughts on “A letter to self-harm

  1. Hi, Broken Crayons. Thanks for checking out my post about “Teddy Bears” and liking it. Oh, and thanks for following too. It’s part of a little series that I’ve been working on for a while now. They really are the hardest ones to write because they deal with a lot of hurt and a lot of pain. I can relate to what you’ve shared in this post. It’s the first of your posts that I’ve read, but I will read more. I know what this is like. For some people, self-hurt is a way to control pain when they weren’t able to control it in other circumstances. It took a huge amount of courage for you to write this. I’m praying that your words will strengthen others. It’s been my experience that when we focus on helping others (as I think you are doing here), we unexpectedly help ourselves. Will be praying for you as well.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know that for the rest of my life there will always be that danger that I could slip back into old habits, but I feel so far removed from the person I used to be, that it is like I am speaking about someone else. I have thought long and hard about whether or not I wished things had been different, and have only ever come up with a resounding no! After all, everything that has happened in my life is exactly what has made me the strong, confident person that I am today. I am living proof that depression and self-harm do not have to be permanent fixtures in your future, and I can only hope that my journey will give others hope and inspiration.
      Thank you so much for your prayers to me, i really appreciate it!
      hugs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a story that realy makes my heart pound a little faster. Great writing. I have luckely not come past someone that has made me feel the way the person feels in your story.
    I coincidently made a story somewhat like this today, my latest story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”
      Thanks for stopping by! Hugs 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was heartbreaking and somewhat reassuring. I hope you heal externally and internally and never have to know this kind of pain again. All the best to you in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was the most real thing I have read in a very long time. From experience, I know self harm is nothing but a burden, and I am in admiration that you can say goodbye to such an addictive act. You are very brave x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Very compelling read. I hope you know just how many people (including this one) you have inspired through confronting self-harm. This is a brave thing to release into the world and I respect it. Best to you, hats off.

    Liked by 1 person

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