You and I go way back, to the beginning. We’re one hundred percent connected in a way no one will–or could ever–understand. We’ve been there, standing together. Sometimes crying in the shower, sometimes snorting through our nose, but it’s always been you and me. Always and forever…
Or so it was supposed to be, but some time ago I left you–
I left you floundering on your own, to rely on love and encouragement and strength from others–from strangers–when it was I who should have held you up. When it was I who should have hugged you and praised you and appreciated you for the wondrous person you are–for all the beauty and life you bring to this world.
I seldom tell you how much I love you. How much I admire you. How beautiful and caring and intelligent and strong you are. That you are my hero.
I should have told you to ignore the jeers and snickers. To not care what others think. To not be afraid to be different. To not be ashamed of who you are. Worst of all, I should have ignored the jeers and snickers. I shouldn’t have cared what people thought. Because in doing so, I said horrible things to shame you. I took you for granted and dishonored you. I said you’re not enough. That if you’d only be a better teacher, a better wife, a better friend, a better writer, a better lover…then I’d love you. If you were more confident, more social, more assertive, then I’d respect you. If you had fewer sunspots, if you ate fewer carbs, if you were more adventurous and thick-skinned, if you were a mother, if you achieved your goals, then I’d want you. I’ve said things to you I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy and you’ve taken it and internalized every calloused word.
And for that, I’ve lost you.
I should have been there for you.
I should have taken care of you.
I should have fought harder to be the person you deserve.
I should have protected, defended, and cherished you.
I’m so incredibly sorry I failed you. I’m sorry for hurting you, for leaving you, for not reminding you every second of every day how wonderful you are. How worthy you are. How brave and kind and powerful you are. Please forgive me.
YOU are significant.
YOU are worthy.
YOU are beautiful.
YOU are smart.
YOU are strong.
YOU are enough.
I know you are going through hard times right now. That life hasn’t given you what you hoped and hasn’t turned out the way you thought it would. I know you are disappointed and sometimes feel like a failure or that it is all your fault. But the truth is: YOU are not a failure nor could you ever be. YOU are strong and brave and honest and YOU will overcome. YOU will persevere and come out on the other side more YOU than you’ve ever been before.
You do not need anyone else’s approval, love, or friendship to be whole.
Together WE are enough. WE will conquer this new future. I’ve got you and this time I’m not letting go. Ever. This time, I will put you first.
I will respect you and honor you and cherish you.
Love for eternity,
Nousaibah El Hariri